What if it all means something?
by dokushoka79
Summary: A story of how a song can set things into motion. SONGFIC


Title: What if it all means something?  
  
Author: dokushoka79  
  
Rating: G  
  
Spoilers: Up to State of Grace  
  
Category: Songfic/Ship Ship Ahoy!  
  
Cheese Factor: I thought I'd add this because this story was just screamin' "CHEESEY!" This is around 8 out of 10.  
  
Summary: Different points of view of how a song can reach out and set things into motion.  
  
Disclaimers: Joan of Arcadia and characters belong to Barbara Hall, CBS and Sony Pictures. "What if it all means something" by Chantal Kreviazuk. This is for pure entertainment. No profit being made.  
  
Dedication: To my muse ^_~ I think I caught the songfic bug ^_^  
  
A/N: Well, this was a bugger to write just because I've never written a story with soo many points of views before but I've never had soo much fun writing. It starts out with Joan's POV and soon after it begins to jump around. I would love some constructive criticism on this. I would be much obliged ^_^ If you get confused I'm sorry...please tell me that when you review and I'll try to fix it. Thanks for reading! Enjoy!  
  
A/N 2: I wrote "The Course of Emotions" with this particular story in mind as the ending. So, hopefully this meshes well. I'm actually going to try and do a "choose your own adventure" deal with these stories. For the readers who want a sappy ending with Grace and Luke together instead of a drawn out story feel free to accept this as the ending. If not ... hee hee continue reading "The Course of Emotions". ^_^ hee hee.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Hey you two want a ride home?" I ask Grace and Adam as I close my locker. It was Friday and it was my day to have the car. It was also Mom's half day and her weekly lunch date with Dad. He had come to pick her up at when she got off of work. Ugh, no matter how sweet it all is that the parental units still go out on dates, it still makes me cringe. Maybe I do have something against intimacy. The other day I decided to take a look at the meaning of "intimacy" and "intimate". God is always breaking down words to me and I decided to take an initiative and check this word out. I pulled out my old dusty dictionary and what I found out didn't bring a big revelation as it usually does when God explains something to me. Intimacy basically means closeness, essential, and innermost. Go figure. So, that actually turns that maybe into something more affirmative as in "yes, I do have a problem with intimacy". I shake the thought from my mind as I hear Grace say,  
  
"Sure why not. It beats walking home." She closes her locker and adjusts her bag on her shoulder.  
  
I get an "Unchallenged." from Adam which makes me giddy with happiness. We haven't been spending much time with one another this past week. No one's fault really or so I want to believe. I had asked Adam before if he thought we were "okay now" and even though he said "sure" I still feel we're on shaky ground. I know that I'm being unfair to him, asking him to understand what I myself can not understand. But, I don't want to analyze the feelings I'm feeling right now so I push them aside and just accept it as is. For now, I'm just going to enjoy being with Adam and Grace. All thinking is set aside for tomorrow. I know I'm running away but I'm too scared to face the music right now.  
  
"Luke is going to meet us in front of the school." I say as the three of us start walking towards the exit. Grace shrugs her indifference even though I know she is feeling the opposite. Adam and I share a look. She hasn't opened up to me or Adam about Luke but I've been watching her closely this week and I can see a change in her. She didn't take the kiss Glynis and Luke shared too well. I didn't find out about that kiss from her either. Luke had cornered me after I had gotten home from the debate and rambled on and on about a moose (?!) and an elk (?!). I was more lost than usual when talking to him so I threatened to push him down the stairs if he didn't come right out with what he was trying to say. So he explained to me what happened with Friedman telling him to forget about Grace and then how he eventually did give up and decided to give Glynis a shot. I feel for Luke. I wish I could just nudge Grace a little but I know that it would be unwelcome.  
  
When we reach the front of the school, we see Luke and Glynis standing together off to the side. I see Grace's footsteps falter a bit so instead of waiting for him as he finishes talking to Glynis, I shout to him that we'll meet him at the car. He nods at me absently and the three of us walk across the street where the car is parked. Adam and Grace sit in the backseat reserving the front seat for Luke. From our position, Luke and Glynis are still within view. I know that Grace is watching them avidly. I also look in their direction. Whatever they were talking about it looked pretty serious but then again they are probably discussing some new scientific discovery of some sort. The two of them had been spending a lot of quality time together and I am beginning to wonder if Luke really did give up on Grace. I look at my side mirror and I catch a glimpse of sadness flitter across Grace's features but it is soon gone as she glances away from my brother. I look back up and what I see surprises me. Luke and Glynis hug and when they pull apart Luke extends his hand to Glynis and they shake hands. I feel my eyebrow rise and I smile to myself. I guess I thought too soon.  
  
Luke approaches the car and he walks around to the front passenger seat. As he slides into his seat and buckles up, I tease him, "So, is that the way you science geek couples say goodbye? With a handshake?" I have a smile on my face but Luke shoots me glance and says "No, that's the way friends say goodbye and can you let up on the "science geek" calling." I feel my smile slip at his tone. It wasn't said in anger but rather in a deflated tone so I remain silent. I start the car and pull out onto the street. Everyone in the car is silent and it's unnerving. I don't feel like making small talk so I reach over and turn on the radio. A song comes on and it fills the silence in the car. The melody is soothing and before I know it the words have me entranced.  
  
(Adam's POV)  
  
I tried to distance myself from Jane this week. I thought it might help to ease the feeling I have for her inside and it would give her the room she has needed. For my part I was trying out the "out of sight, out of mind" kind of deal. But my plan backfired on me and it became more like "absence makes the heart grow fonder". She was on my mind more than usual. It's been difficult, to say the least, dealing with my feelings for her. My self esteem has suffered a bit but I can't change how I feel about her. She's the only girl to ever affect me in this way. It's been a roller coaster ride but I have to admit that I still love her. I know that I'll wait as long as it takes for her. My sprits were lifted earlier because of the smile Jane gave me when I accepted her offer for a ride home. Somehow it made me feel like she was happy to be spending time, albeit a short car ride, with me and that she does cares about me. I shouldn't doubt that she cares about me but I guess that smile just validates it for me. Everyone needs to be reminded sometimes that someone cares about them.  
  
We're in the car now, waiting for Luke. I glance up at Joan and she is looking at something outside her window pretty intently. I look to my side and I see that Grace is also facing her window but she is gazing sadly out at something. "Gazing sadly" is not how one usually describes Grace's gaze. "Chilling" or "defiant" are the normal description for it. More often than not it is "morose" but lately there's been a touch of sadness in there with what I believe is acceptance. Grace won't admit it to me or Jane what is causing her attitude change but it is plain and clear that it is because of Luke and his new relationship. Even I can see through to that.  
  
I quickly look away from Grace as she faces forward. Soon Luke enters the car and Jane teases him about his "goodbye" to Glynis. He answers her and his tone seems to catch Jane by surprise because I see the smile on her face slip a bit. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Grace tense up beside me. The car is silent and I feel tension building up around me. I take my cue from everyone else and remain silent. Jane reaches forward to turn on the radio and soon the silence in the car is filled with the beginning of a song. I listen to it, the tune is soothing and yet upbeat. Then all of sudden I feel as if the song is calling out to me and it sets my mind into motion. I look up and focus my eyes on Jane in the rear view mirror as I continue to listen to the song.  
  
(Luke's POV)  
  
When I got into the car I just knew that Joan was going to say something about Glynis and me but she didn't say anything after I answered her question. I think she got the hint that I didn't really want to talk. I told Glynis the truth and we're still friends. I spent a lot of time with her this week and I found out that we really did have a lot of things in common. But, there just wasn't any sparks between us. I really thought that I could transfer my feelings to her especially after our kiss. But, I just couldn't. I notice that everyone is quiet in the car. Usually it's not like this and it makes me feel a little unsettled. But before I can force myself into making some small talk, Joan saves me by reaching over and turning on the radio. I don't listen to music all that much. Usually when I'm in the car I just listen to whatever is on and don't pay attention but the song that is playing catches my attention. The tune isn't overly catchy but it's the words that pull at me. The visor is down and I have a view of Grace. I study her profile as she looks out the window and I let the words of the song sink in.  
  
***If I could do anything for you, believe me I would ***Do you feel the same? Feel the same as me?  
  
***If I could be anyone for you believe me I would  
  
***I'm not ashamed not ashamed to be  
  
***It's hard for me to know sometimes I feel like letting go  
  
***But what if it all means something?  
  
***What if it all  
  
***What if it all means something?  
  
***What if it all  
  
***If I could go anywhere for you, believe me I would  
  
***I'd run away, I'd run away,  
  
***I'd leave.  
  
***If I could fix everything for you, believe me I would  
  
***Do you feel the same, feel the same as me?  
  
(Joan's POV)  
  
As the song continues, I cast a look at Adam from the rear view mirror and I am surprised to see him looking right at me. I suddenly feel a blush on my cheeks and I look away.  
  
***It's hard for me to know, well maybe I should just let go. ***But what if it all means something?  
  
***What if it all  
  
***What if it all means something?  
  
***(I wanna know)  
  
***What if it all  
  
***Leave me alone  
  
***I'm falling  
  
(Grace's POV)  
  
I was glad to hear a song start because it forced me to focus on something other than what Luke had said about Glynis. I couldn't trust myself to hope that he really meant what he said. But then the song seems to be speaking to me. Asking me the same question that I've been asking myself. I am too scared to do anything; to say anything. I've been too scared. Joan once told me that if we fear something then it leaves nothing else for us to feel. At the time, she was trying to sort out what she was feeling for Rove which she has yet to resolve. But, I think it applied to me too. I've been too scared to do or say anything to Geek boy, that I've been at a stand still. I did what I was good at and it was pushing people away. Letting people in is hard for me. But, I'm usually so sure about how I feel but in this case I've been the most unsure I've ever felt in my life. The song's chorus cuts into my thoughts: "What if it all means something?" I glance up and I'm caught by surprise when I lock eyes with Luke in the visor mirror. His gaze is intent and I quickly look away. My heart is pounding. This is not supposed to be happening to me. I'm not supposed to turn all girly just because geek boy looked at me. "Intently" look at me. I look back at him trying to put up on my usual defiant front. I'm not afraid of him. But as the song ends I just can't keep it up and I look away from him. My heart is still racing and I'm beginning to find it hard to breathe.  
  
***If I could do anything for you, believe me I would  
  
***Do you feel the same? Feel the same as me?  
  
***Its hard for me to know well maybe I should just let go  
  
***But what if it all means something? ***(I wanna know)  
  
***What if it all  
  
***What if it all means something?  
  
***(I wanna know)  
  
***What if it all  
  
***Yeah what if it all means something, something, something  
  
***I know it all means something.  
  
(Luke's POV)  
  
As the song ends, Joan pulls up to Grace's house. Grace and I have been having a small staring contest. She breaks eye contact first and I see a blush creep up her cheeks. I've never seen Grace blush before but I find it to be quite "becoming". She hurriedly gets outs of the car, barely casting a second glance at me. She stoops down to Joan's window and says "Thanks for the ride, Girardi. Call me if you want to study or hang later." To Adam and maybe even to me she says "Later" and closes the door. I watch her as she goes around the car and start up her pathway. Joan then proceeds to pull back onto the road. We get two houses down and I make a decision. "Joan, stop the car." I tell her. She does a little startled and looks at me questioningly. I open my door and get out of the car. I lean down and say "I need to talk to Grace. Don't worry I'll get home on my own." I don't close the door as I am in a hurry. I run towards Grace's house as fast as I could.  
  
When she is in my view, she is just about to go through her door. "Grace!" I call out. "Wait!" She turns around with a surprised look but she quickly masks it as I come up to her. She puts on her irked face and asks me "What the heck do you want, geek boy? Make it snappy." I look at her kind of at a loss for words. All I can think of was the last lines of the song we heard in the car. "What if it all means something? I know it all means something." Next thing I know I have my arms around her and I'm pulling her close to me. Soon, I feel myself lightly press my lips against hers. It's a chaste kiss but after a moment or so, I feel her kissing me back and I am lost.  
  
As we pull away from the kiss, I look into her eyes and say a little breathlessly, "Okay before you deck me or something let me tell you this. Please hear me out this time around. I think it is obvious that I have had feelings for you but I want to say them out loud. Grace, I care about you. I've had these feelings for quite a while now. When you told me that you didn't want to even give me a chance it really hurt but I didn't give up. But with the way you started treating me afterwards, your coldness and indifference I came to the decision that I was going to move on from my infatuation with you but I just couldn't do it. That's the thing with love, Grace. I can't just transfer them or turn my back on it. I told Glynis how I felt today and my feelings for you are real. All I'm asking for right now is for a chance, Grace. A chance for you and me. What do you say?" I took a deep breath and I looked at her waiting for her reply.  
  
I see her open her mouth to say something but she hesitates and closes it back up again. She has a guarded look in her eyes again. I feel my stomach grow cold with fear that she will reject me once again. Another minute passes and I begin to accept that she won't give me an answer. I let my arms hang to my side and I turn away from her. But, I stop when I hear her voice say quietly and a little shaky, "Luke, wait." I turn back to her a little surprised that she's said my name but I also feel a little hopeful because she didn't say "geek" or "dog".  
  
"Look," she says as she crosses her arms "I don't do this sort of thing, okay?" When I hear that my heart plunges down again. "This sort of thing isn't necessarily what I'm looking for right now. I'm being honest with you here." The look in her eyes are willing me to understand what she is telling me and I do understand. I nod my head at her in understanding. I had a feeling she would say that to me but hearing it is totally different than when thinking it might be said. It doesn't hurt any less though. I look down at my feet and I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. I don't really know what to say at this point and as I am about to turn away again her quiet voice stops me.  
  
"But that doesn't mean I'm not looking for it and maybe in time I will be ready for this sort of thing." My head snaps up and not really wanting to hope again but I couldn't help it. I look straight at Grace and she is smiling softly at me. There is a change in her demeanor and in her tone of voice.  
  
"All I know right now," she says as she walks towards me "is that I want to get to know you. I want to spend time with you. We can start out slow. I'm not making any promises. We'll take things day by day because that's all I can give you and to myself. So, what do you say, geek boy? Want to give us a shot?"  
  
She's now standing in front me and smiling up at me. It took me a moment to process what she had said and when it finally hits me it is like a 16 wheeler of happiness has run me over.  
  
"Yes." I say a little choked and I wrap my arms around her pulling her close to me. I feel her tremble against me and I tell her "Don't worry Grace. We'll take things slowly. Just like you said."  
  
She pulls back from my embrace a bit she rises on her tiptoes to give me a soft kiss. It was perfect. Life was perfect at that moment.  
  
(Joan's POV)  
  
I watch dumbly as Luke runs back towards Grace's house. I shake myself and I look back at Adam who is looking back at me. We share a smile and I ask him, "So you want to join me up here?"  
  
"Sure thing." he answers. He gets out of the car and slides into the front seat. I look over at him as he buckles himself in and then I drive towards his house. We sit in silence and my thoughts wander back to that song we were listening to earlier. Because of it something entered into my mind that I didn't think about before. What if Adam let go? What if he gave up on me? I started getting scared. Is that why he's distanced himself from me this week? Is he moving on?  
  
Too soon we reach his house. I put the car in park and I turn off the engine. My mood has suddenly deflated and I can't even look at Adam who doesn't make a move to leave the car. I can feel his gaze on me but I can't look at him because of the sadness I am feeling. Tears are stinging the back of my eyes and my throat has constricted. I am about to start crying my eyes out when I feel Adam take my right hand into his left hand. He shifts them and our fingers are now intertwined. We've never held hands in this way before. I look at how they fit together and all I can think of is that it just feels right. I feel connected to Adam and then I feel a surge of love fill my senses. My fears are instantly comforted. Love. Yes, that is what I am feeling.  
  
"Adam." I say a little shakily. I look up at him and he looks at me questioningly. I squeeze his hand and I smile at him a little tremulously. "I love you."  
  
His eyes widen a bit but he returns my smile and gives my hand a returning squeeze. "I love you too, Jane."  
  
I lean over to him and give him a lingering kiss. When I pull back I say to him "I'm ready. Are you?"  
  
"Always Jane. Always."  
  
*The End* 


End file.
